


Three-Star Comedy

by SatsunonSavior



Category: Kill la Kill
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crack, Excuses why I don't update, Gen, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, This is Retarded, non-canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-04-04 19:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4150347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatsunonSavior/pseuds/SatsunonSavior
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When your long-term fics don't update, the ones who get most annoyed aren't the fans, it's the characters.<br/>And when the characters are from something as over-the-top as Kill la Kill...well...</p><p>You should probably update more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three-Star Comedy

“Oi, underachiever, you’re slacking again.” said a pouting, annoyed voice somewhere between a high school girl and a Furby doll.

Savior looked up, a frown furrowing their indistinct brow.

“Excuse me?”

“I said you’re slacking!” the voice repeated.

“Ummm…no I’m not?” Savior replied, looking more confused by the moment, “I’m getting ready for work.”

“Oh yeah? What about your _real_ work, asshole? You haven’t written a damn thing all month!”

“What? Oh, well I’ve been kinda busy-“

“So what!? I wanna know more about this stupid g- woman that Lady Satsuki is seeing! And is my leg okay? What’s with the suspense, moron!?”

“Look, Jakuzure, you can’t rush genius, okay? And since I don’t _have_ genius, you’re gonna have to wait even longer than that.”

 

“I have to agree with Jakuzure.” A smooth, mellow alto added; this voice sounded like silk gliding over steel, and hung over a pair of eyebrows that could pierce the heavens, “I want to meet this woman who has apparently caught my interest. It seems most unlikely.”

“Oh god, not you as well.” Savior huffed, crossing their arms, “Don’t tell me I have some kind of…of mutiny!”

“Mutiny?” the new voice said, voice hardening, “Who exactly do you think you are, _pig?_ ”

“Yeah!” Jakuzure spat, “You write us because we tell you to!”

Savior shook their head, running a hand through their hair.

“That’s just…not true. I write because I have stuff in my head I wanna get out of it, and writing is the only way to do that.”

“That’s us, moron. How do you even hold a pen without it ending up in your nose?”

“Hey, that’s uncalled for! And besides, I type.”

“…point proven.”

 

Savior sighed and rolled their eyes.

“Right, right, so I should write more. I get it, I get it, go back to…wherever it is you came from.”

“DO NOT DISRESPECT LADY SATSUKI IN SUCH A FASHION!”

“-Fuck, volume! Can you use your inside voice, Gamagoori?” Savior said, wincing.

“I CANNOT, BECAUSE YOU NEVER WRITE ME WITH ONE, IDIOT!” Gamagoori roared, his own expression pained.

“What is it with you people and insulting me!?” Savior said, raising one hand, “Wait, don’t answer that.”

“I would hypothesize that the epithets come from having to be in close proximity to an extremely stilted mind. The brain craves stimulation and finds it in anger. What do you think Iori?” a fourth voice said, this one as cool as a cucumber, if a cucumber could wear nerd-glasses and a wrist keyboard.

“I have to concur.” said an exquisitely tailored voice exactly as cool and as nerdy as the first. But blond.

 

“Oh my god, will you just all please GO away. I have to go to work and make _actual_ money. I’ll write some stuff when I get back, if I’m not too tired.”

“Tiredness is weakness!” a _fifth_ voice answered, as hot-blooded as anything that was both blooded and high in temperature. It practically radiated the words ‘manly, soul and believe-in-me-who-believes-in-you’.

“Of course, you’re all here.” Savior added in a tired voice, rubbing at their brow, “Because I’m insane and hearing voices now. If Nui appears, I’m going to jump off the roof.”

“There’s no room for my twisted half-sister in here.” Satsuki said coolly, “Your brain is too cluttered to fit her ego.”

“Indeed.” Inumuta agreed, shaking his head, “How many stories have you started now? Five? Six?”

“Damn right, we can barely fit in here ourselves!” Jakuzure added, hands on her hips.

“Jeez guys, if I could get a bigger head I would, but I would probably need more kudos for that. So why don’t you just calm down.” said Savior in their _reasoning-with-insane-people_ voice.

“Or you could throw some of this junk out?” Sanageyama said, leafing through a pile of disembodied thoughts, “I mean, look at this stuff. Trash, trash, ‘Ryuko and Satsuki find themselves on opposite sides of a crime war’…hey that actually sounds pretty good, trash, trash…”

“Hey, be careful with that stuff!” Savior said, unfolding and tidying sheets of thought as Sanageyama tossed them casually aside.

 

“Yeah yeah, trash…trash…hey, ‘Secretary’, what’s this?” Sanageyama asked, unfolding a thought out of a brown paper envelope.

“Hey, wait-!”

“Stop right there!”

“SANAGEYAMA, NO!”

 

Sanageyama’s eyes widened into saucers as his eyes scanned the page.

“Holy shit, this is PORN!” he said, almost gleefully, “You write this kinda stuff!?”

He was then tackled solidly by both Jakuzure and Satsuki, moments before Gamagoori landed on all three of them.

“Ooof, get off me guys, I’m reading!” Sanageyama said cheerfully, stretching the page out beyond their reach.

“Jakuzure, stop him!” Satsuki said, panic in her voice, elbowing Gamagoori into insensibility.

“I can’t, my arms are too short!” she wailed, the page just out of grasp.

“Damn, this is some kinky stuff! So this is what the two of you are up to when he’s not updating us?! No wonder you want him to write more!”

“Hey now!” Savior said, flushing, “That’s not for you! And don’t break canon like that! Technically they’re like…alternate character interpretations!”

“I’ll say this shit is alternate alright!” Sanageyama said, grinning from ear to ear as he read on, “ _’Jakuzure varied her torments; short, fast thrusts that slid shallowly into her gave way to-‘”_

Behind the dog-pile, Inumuta and Iori stood there, both shaking their heads in sync.

 

“Is any of this interesting you?” Iori asked, raising one eyebrow.

“No, not particularly.” Inumuta said, matching the eyebrow with his own.

“That’s probably significant.”

“Our beloved author might not consider our sexual sides.”

“Or they simply aren’t attracted to writing about it.”

“True. We might be homosexual.”  
“Or asexual; let’s not forget other identities here.”

“Ah of course, my apologies.”

“Not at all.”

 

Back in the pile, Satsuki had finally succeeded in elbowing Gamagoori right in the resolve and rolled past him to snatch the paper from Sanageyama’s outstretched hand, holding it protectively to her chest.

“Enough!” she said firmly, “This isn’t _for_ you, Sanageyama!”

“Awww why not?” he protested, “It’s posted up there for everyone to see!”

“ _Because-_ ” she said, frowning, “I don’t have to _work_ with those people.”

“You have to work with Jakuzure!”

“So? I _like_ working with Jakuzure.” Satsuki said possessively. Behind her, Jakuzure’s face slowly morphed to match her hair in shade.

“Oh wow, that’s gonna make the work environment better, the two of you banging behind every closed do-”

“Shut up, Monkey!” Jakuzure said, flushing a neon pink. Steam was pouring out her ears in fluffy clouds.

“What!? It’s not like- hey, the author’s making a break for it!”

 

They turned as one to see Savior, jacket in hand, halfway out the fourth wall.

 

“Where do you think you’re going, pig!?”

“THERE’S NO ESCAPE, FOOL, DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE!?”

“Get back here, underachiever!”

Following those three voices were another two, as different as night from day.

“Yes. Stop.”

“Don’t let him-” the speaker yawned, “get away.”

 

Savior fixed them with a stern look and pulled the jacket over their shoulder.

“I’m going to work. _You_ are staying here. I’ll write some more when I get home.”

“Like hell you’re going to work, underachiever!”

“I have to agree, you’re not going anywhere.”

 

“I’m leaving.” Savior said, their voice like calm honey made by somewhat tipsy bees, “Or I will sit down and write a four-thousand word fetish scene about the two of you. With butt-stuff.”

 

The pair faltered.

 

Savior made a run for it, jumping onto their bicycle and riding for the sunset.

“It’s a bluff, get them!” Satsuki shouted, leaping towards the fourth wall, Jakuzure a step behind her.

 

Behind them, Gamagoori helped Sanageyama to his feet, aided by Inumuta and Iori. The latter was holding a piece of rather battered, crumpled looking paper in his hands. The others eyed it, then each other.

 

“It was dropped during the confusion. I’m keeping it safe.” Iori explained in an overly neutral voice.

“Right.”

“INDEED.”

“That seems logical.”

 

They stood around each other, their gazes happening to fall mostly onto the paper.

 

“Hey, keep it safe a little more this way, I can’t see it.”

“Sorry.”

 

“Damn, this is spicy. Our author is a pervert.”

“D-does Satsuki really enjoy this kinda stuff?”

“T-TO THINK THAT I’M NOT THE ONLY…”

“What the hell is ‘RACK’?”  
“Risk-aware consensual kink.”

“W-what? How do _you_ know that, Inumuta!?”

“No comment.”

 

Behind them all, a figure in jeans and a t-shirt jogged up to them, finally making it there. She huffed out a series of panting breaths, running a hand across her sweat-stained brow.

“O-okay guys, I’m here. I made it. Am I late? I’m late aren’t I.” she said. Her voice sounded like Satsuki, if someone had added twelve pounds of rasp, two teaspoons of powdered Shadow the Hedgehog and four metric tons of ‘It’s not a phase, this is my life, dad!’.

 

The others looked up, then glanced at each other. Finally, the glances migrated to Inumuta. He rolled his eyes.

“Fine, I’ll be the one, shall I?” he said to no one in particular.

 

“Look, Ryuko, our author likes stupid puns, so if you could not end this story with one we’d-”

She cut him off, getting her breath back.

“I was gonna be early-”

 

“No-” every voice began, too late.

 

“But I lost my way.”

 

“DAMN ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!” the voices echoed to the heavens.

On their way to work, Savior smiled a small satisfied smile.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is a dumb explanation for why I haven't updated recently. I'm busy working and not granted a lot of free time. However, I am still writing and you will see updates soon! I promise!
> 
> Thanks for reading, oh somewhat-loyal fans!


End file.
